a small part of me

I have so much to say to you, yet I can’t find the words. I have so many feelings, so much passion but there’s something that causes me to suddenly stop. I become cautious, curious yes but caution stills me. I listen. I wait. I watch. I’ve never had much patience so I grow restless.

Why am I waiting? What has me so suddenly go quiet and question what lies ahead? I usually am impervious to consequences but with you there are always consequences. I have not enjoyed these and I have not yet learned how to go about avoiding them. So I am still physically still and quiet but my mind races.

My mind is performing multiple circus acts trying to discover the best outcome. My mind performs a futile task for there will never be a knowing of what will happen with you. It is the reason I have not fled from you or become bored with you. I believe your actions are actually more predictable than I perceive them to be.

The days grow monotonous, I grow more restless. I am not addicted to drama. I have matured some because I will not pick a fight with you just for the entertainment. In choosing to be aware of how I speak with you and not allowing myself to blame you for anything, I have come to realize how critical I have been of you. I realize how closed off I have been. This desire to protect myself for fear of being hurt has ultimately been the cause of my greatest pain.

I now realize my desire to connect is stronger than my need to be right or my need to defend myself. If I can learn how to share my feelings in a way that keeps me responsible I won’t keep pushing you away. It’s so easy to slip into that way of thinking, the thinking that if you would just do this or be this way I would feel better. Except the only thing that does is create distance and animosity.

I know your intentions are never to hurt me. So why does it seem to be that when I start to feel insecure I automatically start blaming you? Habit? Reaction?  That’s why I’m choosing to respond. If I can choose my response instead of simply reacting to a perceived slight there is much more capacity for love.

When I don’t stop to listen to how I’m feeling all that happens is me getting frustrated and saying something that will not help us get to the truth. The truth I feel everyone’s truth is desiring happiness and love. The easiest things are  often the most overlooked and dismissed like taking a deep breath. Like choosing to see the initiation in situations were uncomfortable in.

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