Hopelessness? 

Sometimes in the moment it can seem impossible to ever reach common ground or understanding between us. Sometimes I try way too hard to explain what it is I need for you to understand. Maybe thats my challenge is accepting that not everyone will understand how I feel and thats ok. If im so busy making sure everyone “understands” me then how am I living life? According to others perception of me? Does it matter more that my intimate partner, my s.o., my beloved understands me? I believe it affects me entirely differently if its the person im allowing enter me can find it in himself to meet me halfway. In that if something im saying seems completely irrational to him he at least chooses to believe im not and that maybe there could be some merit to what im saying. If he has no clue whatsoever and doesnt bother to find a clue perhaps niether of us are showing up in our own assertive power.

 I want him to be his most powerful self when engaging with me so i must harness my own personal power. Social acceptance be damned if im doing all the “right” things and none of us feel better afterward or more loved afterward I want to check myself. Haha before I wreck myself…totally new meaning in that for me now! Am I coming from a place of love and acceptance myself or from fear and the small place of resentment and blame. 

Life is the initiation right so choosing now to discover from this place of utter despair and hoplessness is my strength. I discover I have so much Love for my beloved and everything and to use that love to build myself back up. Im not belittling myself or mad at myself but simply accepting that I felt hopeless allowed me to learn from that feeling.

 Its one thing when its a fresh feeling of hopefulness and thier is still lingering residual past pattern responses trying to take over. As I am aware of my conditioned response and accepting it as what it is I am also learning new ways of responding to that. So now that I realized I have love and am loving myself by not expecting myself or anyone else to get it “right”. 

Instead choosing the power of love for myself and my beloved. I do not have to figure it all out tonight I dont have to be perfect I am loveable as I am and if I can love myself and my beloved I am allowing him to love me as well. When im frustrated with myself for not knowing all the answers im dishonoring my process. In honoring my process I can allow myself the time and space I need to heal and I become more aware of myself in this process.

 Kindess towards self and allowing whoever you are right now to be enough….to be worthy is the greatest gift of compassion/love we could offer ourselves. Of course in this moment of healing and feeling through tough feelings especially when were not used to allowing ourselves to feel. If weve always had to explain them away or figure them out or change them. 

There are many other great gifts we can give ourselves in other moments and experiences of course. This is just for this and similar experiences. 

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