This is the first post in a short series Im not sure yet how long it will carry on but this is not the ending of this story only the end of this part of the story, it could end with one more post but that is as far as I know right now we will see if the next post creates more of the same .
As the dust settles and your left standing alone your ego cries VICTORY! But your heart, your soul, does not like this feeling welling up in the pit of your tight tense belly. You feel the vile flip flopping, threatening to bend you to your knees. You hold your breath trying to still your body, still your response. This is supposed to feel good this winning thing….it’s supposed to be celebrated. All your life you’ve watched and heard others being celebrated, you’ve yearned for the feeling of elation for that taste of victory of winning. So you studied people, you studied their habits and desires. You’ve honed your skills silently watching, waiting for the perfect time to shine. As you grew you were told to be worthy you had to win. To have respect you had to win. To feel good you had to win. To make your family proud you had to win. Only winners make it in this life. Only the strong survive. You could feel the contempt and scorn in the word loser and you vowed to yourself you would do everything in your power to be the winner. At the top you could do anything have anything you wanted. People would worship your skill and praise your achievements. They would strive to be like you and wonder how you became so brave so strong so courageous. The feeling in your stomach causes you to doubt yourself. Am I not worthy? As you question yourself fear is beginning to well up around the pit in your stomach and seeps into your throat constricting your vocal cords. Your becoming aware of a ringing in your ears, as you focus on that, you realize there’s a crowd gathering around you, congratulating you, offers of partnership and peace offerings. You know what your supposed to do and a smile somehow appears on your face. There are words flowing from your mouth but you are not speaking them. They are the words that have always been spoken and you know you must be saying the right things by the smiles on everyone’s faces but you do not hear them or yourself. You have to get out of here you have to get away somewhere to think , to sort out what is wrong with you because that fear of being unworthy is not receding it’s growing and you fear any minute they might see it and you will fail. So you make your departure and leave as fast as you can barely breathing your body so tense your muscles are screaming at you to release them. Have compassion, let us breathe, give us oxygen, please! they scream. But you can’t stop now your almost safe, almost alone. You can’t stop thinking about these awful feelings. Your biggest fear is being unworthy and the feeling after your victory has you doubting everything about everything. Why do I feel this way? Why do I not feel happy and joyous…victorious. Your heart is beating so fast and straining to pump blood to your body, it’s every effort going into keeping you alive. Somehow you notice your heart and it’s effort to keep going and you feel the first sense of relief wash over you. Your heart is beating you must be worthy. Focusing on your heart you begin to breathe deeper whether it’s helping you or your helping it somehow your both able to calm down. As you listen to your heartbeat you realize your hearts on your side…your heart wants you to stay alive, to live, to feel good. It doesn’t care about anybody else, what they think, what they do. Your hearts only desire is to see you live the best life you can live. You decide then and there to listen to your heart because it knows you the best. It will protect you and guide you to the best life you could ever imagine. You smile to yourself this time you feel your smile and it feels good. Your ego is still there in case of imminent danger but your heart knows what really matters. You appreciate your ego for its need to try and protect you but you don’t listen to it anymore because it’s afraid of everything. Your heart doesn’t question if your worthy or not it knows no matter what.