Finding love for myself isn’t always easy. I started asking myself so many questions all sparked by my partner who said ” I just want you to be you”. I’m sure people have said that to me before but I hadn’t been ready to hear it yet. My whole perspective on love has changed since then and still continues to change.
I started google searches feeling desperately in need of answers. For weeks months I kept thinking I was on the verge of discovering what would change my life. What would make me feel better. What I needed to do to be happy.
During this time I was also struggling with an IV addiction. I thought I could find the answers to why and discover an easier way to stop using. I practiced yoga, eating better, gardening, meditation essential oils.
The one thing I didn’t do was ask for help. I was on probation and thought I’d get in more trouble so I just kept doing what I was doing. From the outside it looked great. I had this beautiful garden, I was actually learning so much I just couldn’t see it at the time. Finally I got an opportunity for inpatient treatment through my po. I was ready by then all the self exploration self healing i’d discovered that I really didn’t hate myself. The reason I did drugs was to try and feel better. I simply hadn’t been taught healthy ways to love myself.
Treatment mainly was a safe place to actually get clean. I was able to get through the physical withdrawals because I couldn’t leave and get something to feel better when I thought I couldn’t handle it anymore. Through the process I was able to get healthier which was what I wanted. What I had been teaching myself slowly was how to Love myself into a better feeling place.
I started telling myself I was doing the best I could and learning everyday to speak nicer to myself. Be gentle with yourself were not supposed to be perfect. Were figuring it out as we go. I had begun noticing how hard I was on myself beating myself up for using drugs. Getting over the fear of letting my loved ones down of feeling like a failure took time and practice. Its the social stigma of how bad drugs are. So many people think all druggies should be in jail. So much assumption about the type of person that could do drugs especially IV use. You fear going to the Dr. think everyone notices the marks on your arms. The shame alone is usually enough to keep a person in the cycle of using just to get through the day without feeling drained or sick.
I had developed my own double life where I had my friends I used with also going through the same self-hate shame use to feel better cycle. Then I had the who I also was when I wasn’t finding a vein. I did grow a beautiful garden. I did start painting. I did start practicing yoga. I did start seeking a better life planting seeds for the life I wanted to create. I embraced the spiritual me learning to judge myself less. I’ve always had a passion for teaching, showing, helping people remember what Love really is.
I still find myself thinking who am I to help others, you don’t write well enough…all these silly little things that kept me from publishing what I write what I feel. Then I remember what I tell others to stop being so hard on ourselves. My mind goes off in so many directions sometimes with what I want to say I would get stuck thinking it needed to be a certain way. Now my only question is if its authentic and from the heart.
Sharing my struggles is a part of me and this is the first time I’m sharing this part of me outside my comfort zone. I can’t help anyone or make a difference if I’m not sharing all of my story and how I’m rewriting my story. One moment at a time. With lots and lots of LOVE.